Hair Today Gone Tomorrow

Why do I want to be a mermaid? Because I won’t have to shave my legs.

Mermaids have tails - no legs that need shaving. Maybe my tail would benefit from an occasional swipe of lotion to keep my scales supple, but that’s it. No daily battle with a sharp instrument and no forgetting the all too frequent square of toilet paper stuck on my shin to staunch the blood flow. No applying for a home equity line of credit just to afford a pack of three soap cartridges. No five o’clock shadow that forces me to do a quick once over just so I can get a pedicure. And no having an intimate moment with my hubby spoiled by an “Ouch! Those legs are lethal weapons.”

I suppose I could just quit shaving. Surely if the hair got long enough it would eventually become downy soft. Crap, who am I kidding? The hair on my legs looks and feels like dense porcupine quills. I doubt any length of growth could overcome that, unless possibly if the hair got long enough to braid. Now that would really be attractive. NOT.

And my leg hair is stubborn. It resists wax, depilatories, and lasers. I could possibly try to pluck out each hair individually, but it would take a month and require industrial strength pliers.

Unlike in my prior life, I don’t even have frigid winters as an excuse to grow my leg hair for warmth. I live on a sailboat and spend my time in hot, humid climates. My entire wardrobe consists of shorts and swimsuits. Even if I could tolerate having hairy legs, the result of my selfishness would traumatize my fellow sailors and probably a few fish.

So, a long, shiny, colorful, sleek tail strikes me as very appealing. Almost like wearing one of those $10,000 designer Oscar dresses. Heck, they even have a dress style called “mermaid”. Sophia Vergara wears mermaid dresses all the time. See, I’ll look just like Sophia Vergara.

One potential downside. It just occurred to me that tails don’t have toes. I will certainly miss those pedicures.