Help Me, I'm Melting!

Yesterday I had a meltdown. You know, one of those episodes where some small irritation builds upon another and/or another and suddenly you find yourself simultaneously crying, screaming expletives, and battering whatever inanimate object is nearby. But was that the end of it? Oh no. I then stomped around for a while acting like a total witch, trying to calm myself down and in the process making sure that my poor husband knew just how miserable I was. Because we all know that a good meltdown requires some poor sympathetic soul to help pick up the pieces afterward. It wasn’t pretty. I wasn’t pretty. And it was certainly not mermaid-worthy behavior. 

Thankfully my tantrum was relatively short-lived, I didn’t break anything, and my marriage is still intact. By the time I poured a medicinal glass of wine I was almost, but not quite, feeling rather foolish. And this morning I have recovered enough to admit the error of my ways.

So, I now have another addition to my list of reasons to be a mermaid. Mermaids don’t melt. Instead of becoming a puddled mess they simply swim through the beautiful seas of life. A mermaid isn’t stressed or cranky, and even if she lives among crabs, she is never crabby herself. She certainly never resembles the Wicked Witch of the West.

Having not yet achieved full mermaid status, I know a promise to never melt again is a promise broken. Someone or some thing will invariably dash water on my day and wreck my normally sunny disposition. But, I'm really going to try to be more channeling of my inner mermaid. I am however, a work in process.

Enjoy this short video clip from The Wizard of Oz - a true meltdown.

Sometimes you just need a reminder...

Are the Cookies Done Yet?

Being patient is hard. It’s hard when you can smell the chocolate chip cookies that are not yet ready to leave the oven. It’s hard when you are waiting for a long-anticipated vacation. It’s hard when bills are mounting and the paycheck is days away. It’s hard when you long for the next time you get to see your grandbabies. It’s even hard when you are waiting to become a mermaid. But today, I have been unfortunately reminded by a friend that patience is hardest when you fear bad news. Even the strongest and bravest of us can be brought to our knees when we are confronted with waiting to learn whether our lives will be unalterably changed by the answer to perhaps one simple question. In my friend’s case, it is test results that could mean she must gear up for another cancer battle.

In those times, our impatience breeds fear. And the longer we must wait, the greater the fear becomes. That is when I and other people of faith, having already been brought to our knees, use the opportunity to pray. A lot. Hurry up, God!

But what about all the concerns, unanswered questions, or “tragedies” that confront us daily? All causing some measure of frustration, worry or fear. They can zap our energy and steal our attention. And just when we’ve bitten our nails to the quick, yanked out our last hair, or posted it all over Facebook, we usually discover that it was really no big deal. We should have been more patient! As Mark Twain is credited with saying, “I've had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.” That’s me. And while I regret wasting my time on those worries I am beyond grateful that the majority were all for naught. As for the times when my fears were realized? I thank God for giving me the strength that got me through, although not without scars.

I have always been told that patience is a virtue. And I’ve always imagined mermaids to be virtuous creatures. I think I have a way to go.

Hair Today Gone Tomorrow

Why do I want to be a mermaid? Because I won’t have to shave my legs.

Mermaids have tails - no legs that need shaving. Maybe my tail would benefit from an occasional swipe of lotion to keep my scales supple, but that’s it. No daily battle with a sharp instrument and no forgetting the all too frequent square of toilet paper stuck on my shin to staunch the blood flow. No applying for a home equity line of credit just to afford a pack of three soap cartridges. No five o’clock shadow that forces me to do a quick once over just so I can get a pedicure. And no having an intimate moment with my hubby spoiled by an “Ouch! Those legs are lethal weapons.”

I suppose I could just quit shaving. Surely if the hair got long enough it would eventually become downy soft. Crap, who am I kidding? The hair on my legs looks and feels like dense porcupine quills. I doubt any length of growth could overcome that, unless possibly if the hair got long enough to braid. Now that would really be attractive. NOT.

And my leg hair is stubborn. It resists wax, depilatories, and lasers. I could possibly try to pluck out each hair individually, but it would take a month and require industrial strength pliers.

Unlike in my prior life, I don’t even have frigid winters as an excuse to grow my leg hair for warmth. I live on a sailboat and spend my time in hot, humid climates. My entire wardrobe consists of shorts and swimsuits. Even if I could tolerate having hairy legs, the result of my selfishness would traumatize my fellow sailors and probably a few fish.

So, a long, shiny, colorful, sleek tail strikes me as very appealing. Almost like wearing one of those $10,000 designer Oscar dresses. Heck, they even have a dress style called “mermaid”. Sophia Vergara wears mermaid dresses all the time. See, I’ll look just like Sophia Vergara.

One potential downside. It just occurred to me that tails don’t have toes. I will certainly miss those pedicures.

Dream a Little Dream for Me

I address you all tonight for who you truly are: wizards, mermaids, travelers, adventurers, and magicians. You are the true dreamers. 

Brian Selznick, The Invention of Hugo Cabret 

Hi. My name is Tanya (pronunciation: rhymes with "can ya"). I am a wife, mother, grandmother, friend, artist, writer, cook, child of God, and lover of all things beautiful in nature, heart and soul. No home of straw, sticks, or even bricks for me - I live on a sailboat. I am writing this blog as my way of personally journaling my quest to become a mermaid. If you make your way here I hope you will find something helpful, interesting, or amusing in my mermaid tails.